With both boys now back at school I have had a chance to sit down and look through all the photos that were taken over the school holidays and upload them to our secure Flickr page so that our family can see what the boys have been up to and we can continue with our smoke screen and paint a picture of 2 well adjusted, content children.
It has taken a couple of years to come to terms with it, but for the boys’ and our sake it is best that our family and friends only get to see the good bits because in all honesty that is all they want to see. They cannot possibly contemplate the idea that the boys and their early years trauma can cause so much chaos and heartache.
In contrast to previous school holidays (summer), this year was not only stressful, but at times I really questioned my abilities as a mother and felt like throwing in the towel and I have definitely felt more like my glass was ‘half empty’ than ‘half full’.
I am not even going to start on the physical aggression, vandalism, stealing and lying, but In the face of acid tongued verbal assaults like:- ‘I hate you, you are a f***ing fat c**t’, ‘you’ll never be my real mother’, ‘go kill yourself’, etc. I have tried my best to remain therapeutic, rise above it, not take it personally and not react to it. Sadly I have probably failed on all points at least 60% of the time and allowed myself to be reduced to tears, become a crazed, nagging or shouting Loony Toon.
So how does my rambling link back to the photos I have taken this holiday?
To put it simply I have felt so negative about how this summer holiday has gone and felt that I had let the boys down despite keeping the routine they are used to, but the photographs tell a different story.
For every moment that I have felt that I have screwed up, let everyone down, or the boys have worn me down to the point that I can’t see anything ever being good again, there are photographs showing us enjoying time together and creating wonderful memories as a family. Photos that remind me that no matter how I may feel about myself, I must be doing something right.
So rather than dwelling on everything that I did wrong this holiday I am going to end this weeks’ #WASO post with a couple of pictures that are steeped in personal memories.