I started out all geared up to write a wonderfully gushy post about my hopes for the future for my family now that we are only a few days away from our celebration hearing and can finally moving on with our life without living under a microscope but somewhere along the road between deciding on what I wanted to share in my blog and getting it written down, life happened and that euphoric feeling has left me feeling raw and fearful for what might truly happen to our very much wanted future.
As I said we are a week away from our celebration hearing and I am brimming with excitement, as is Bumble and Buzzbee (Beeswax is still finding it difficult but he is slowly getting there). For Beeswax’s sake we are keeping the actual celebration day strictly a private occasion and we are not inviting any of our family or friends to the court. Yes, we would love to be sharing this wonderful moment with our nearest and dearest but it feels right that it is just the 4 of us.
We are having a party a few weeks later which Beeswax is only too happy to get involve with and if the boys had their own way would bankrupt us.
On paper to outsiders it looks like we are finally going to have our “Happy Ending” after more than 4 years of fighting to make it so and I dearly wish this was the case. I want this to be the case.
OK so what has gone so wrong this week? To be fair this is a culmination of several weeks of stress and worry. It is just events to the end of this week have given me that final push into irrational (self-absorbed), negative thinking.
How can I think of the future when there is so much uncertainty around Buzzbee’s emotional and educational wellbeing?
School have made it very clear that they don’t want him there anymore but they have caused so much damage over the past couple of years that everyone is at a loss as to where he could go and what the solution that is best for him is.
- Do we remove him from school completely and home-educate him? But in doing so how can I be sure that I can provide him with the stimulation he will need.
It breaks my heart to think about the damage that has been caused.
Yes, he is no angel and he certainly finds it very difficult to regulate himself but school had all the tools they need and refused to use them and as a result he has gone from a child who loved learning to a child who is so afraid of learning that school cannot even tell me what levels he is on or get him to sit in a classroom for more than 2 minutes without him panicking.
CAMHS are going to start working with him but already Bumble and I are getting the feeling that they believe his problems with school are because of me and nothing to do with his early years history or school’s lack of empathy (too complicated to go into), so I can’t even contemplate how this will turn out.
Then there is Beeswax and my relationship! So much has gone on between us as a result of his own (and my) trauma that I am afraid we will never have the ‘mother & son’ relationship that I have with Buzz (actually I would settle for micron of the relationship I have with Buzz). It is the hardest thing, loving someone but being so afraid to show them for fear of their reaction and at the same time finding it very hard to physically like your child because you resent always having you attempts to get closer thrown (quite literally sometimes) in your face.
I hope that there will come a day in the future when he will feel that he can trust me and I will feel that I am good enough for him.
And then just when you think that all your fears are for the future. Something or in this case someone comes along and reminds me that no matter how much I want to look to the future, the boys past is always present in their hearts and minds.
After more than 6 years, Birth mum has decided that now our application has gone to the courts and everything is done and dusted, she is going to now come crashing back into their lives and has finally written to them a very emotional letter including an up to date photograph of her and if repeatedly telling them through the letter that they will always be her children and she can’t wait until they meet again, wasn’t bad enough. She also signed it ‘Mum’.
Ok I am not ashamed to say it stirred up feelings I always believed I wouldn’t have (naïve I know). Signing it off in this way was like a dagger being jabbed through my heart. It is true she is their biological mother and both boys given the chance would choose her over me, I have no doubt of about that but she isn’t their mum and hasn’t been for a very long time. But knowing now how I have felt about her coming back into their lives (even if it is only for now a letter) makes me wonder what I will do or feel in the future when the boys announce that they want to see her (and they will).
I really wanted this #WASO post to be a positive and upbeat but instead it has turned into a post filled with sadness and self-absorption. So in an attempt to claw back something positive from this post I will return to Buzz’s excitement about our celebration hearing and share with you a letter/short note he has written for the judge asking her for a favour and sharing his wishes for the future with her (I suspect Beeswax helped with it as it is Buzz’s best handwriting).