One evening last week I had a lovely long chat with a wonderful and amazing lady who has not known me for an age, in fact I have only met her once and all our communication up until that point has been through Twitter, Email or this blog (Oops I forgot more recently Facebook).
I am sure this wonderful lady will not realise how much her words have resonated with me since our talk and has, along with reasons outside of my control, made me sit up and look at what I have been doing and how damaging that it is for me – you only have to see me hobbling about on my crutches to realise this.
Has my biggest coping tool turned into something destructive? Have I kept my ‘perky’ persona up for so long that it is now my default mode the moment I feel I am moving into a point of uncomfortable emotions and now people struggle to see through it – or at least they minimise situations if I have dared to be open with them? – completely my fault, I know!
Maybe I should have called this post ‘The madness of Honey’ because to be honest I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing I am loosing the plot at the moment. Here am I going through yet another difficult time with Waxy but what am I doing?
I am more perky than usual – almost manic you could say, at times!
I know this is probably what I need to do at the moment or at least I believe that is what others need from me, but it isn’t helping matters because at a time when I quite honestly am questioning whether I can keep my family together for much longer or support Waxy in a way that means we are all safe, I also need to be completely honest with several people about the impact recent events has had on the household. The only problem with this is getting over the hurdle of being afraid of what might happen or is said if I do this – my own worst enemy, I know!
So what is with the perky persona?
Ok first of all, I have always and will probably always be someone who is far better at caring for others than she is at looking after herself, but to hear the words I heard from someone who I barely know (but who understands how much you need to put in for our children), to say that I needed to ‘stop what I was doing and slow down before I make myself ill’, hit me hard but in an oddly positive way.
Other than Bumble it has been a long time since anyone has noticed things are not as they seem and have been honest enough to tell me what I needed to hear, and while I must have seemed so rude to her when I struggled with her praise and found myself lost for an appropriate response because like my boys I find it very difficult to accept (but there is nothing new there, I always struggle with this).
So while I know that it is hard to break a habit of a life time, this weekend I am child and husband free, owing to the fact that I am heading north to ‘the open nest’ conference, and I am going to take this time to truly take care of myself and try and relax – so far so good, despite my train being late, I have managed to turn it into positives with some wonderful eye candy on the train (community police officers) who were more than accomodating helping me hobble off the train with my case and crutches and then back onto my connecting train but not before I managed to grab the biggest slice of chocolate cake I could find, and now I am lied here writing this post while snuggled under a cosy duvet, in a giant double (maybe king size) bed, after my first undisturbed bubble bath in…. heaven knows how long.
Still I am already missing my 3 gorgeous men and have rang a couple of times this evening to check on them all – hey! I can’t switch off completely.
After a wobbly, emotional start for Buzzbee when I left, he and Waxy are wrapping their dad around their little fingers and are having a ball already down at ‘Nanny and Grandad’s caravan’ and Buzz has gleefully told me has made a new friend already and can’t wait for the Halloween party tomorrow afternoon and for their cousins to join them too – Good Luck Bumble!
So while the boys will be having the time of their lives tomorrow (I hope), I am looking forward to tomorrow myself and all that it brings.