Tag Archive | children

I am an adopted teen. Hear me roar.

I better start by apologising for my bad language in this post. I hope you won’t be too offended or blame mum for letting me write this – Beeswax.

So this week according to my mum, has been National Adoption Week. Why did she tell me this? Well I wanted to know why I keep seeing a load of horse shit “Too old at 4?” adverts which were really pissing me off.

Typical social workers and adults who think they know what they are talking about. They make my skin crawl.

Mum says that it is not supposed to be seen as a negative advert but one that will hopefully encourage adopters to consider adopting “waiting older children”.

Wait what? Why don’t they just go the full hog and shove us in glass dustbins and display us in the street? Don’t we deserve more respect than that?

I know I would have hated to see this when I was living with my foster carer with my little brother. I already thought I was on the scrapheap and the only way I would be getting another family, is if someone fell in love with Buzzbee. We were a package deal.

Oh and I really hate it when professionals advertise us kids as “waiting for a forever family”. I was not waiting for a family. I had a family and whether I was seeing them or not they will still be my family forever. What I wanted was a place to call home – my own bedroom, my own bed and my own Xbox.

Why do professionals always think they know what is best for us?

While I am on a roll and having a rare episode of openly voicing my opinions to people other than my parent and while mum is letting me hijack her blog post this week. There are a few questions that people are always asking me and I try and give a polite answer too, which actually get on my tits. Mum says I can add them to this post and ‘within reason’ put the answers I really want to put.

Why did they take you away from your family?

Oh that’s right! Blame the bloody kids, why don’t you. It is none of your business and even if it was important for you to know. What makes you think, I would trust you enough to share that with you when I barely want to talk about it with mum and dad?

If you could see your birth parents again. Would you?

What do you think you idiot. Wouldn’t you want to hurl abuse at the people who let you down most in the world?

How did it feel to change schools all the time?

You obviously really don’t know me. I have only been to 3 schools and I wasn’t excluded from any of them, they were safe bets for me. It sucked at first to leave my first school but my TA came with me to my new school and only stopped working with me when I moved to my current school which lets me do what I want all week.

Isn’t it wonderful that you parents wanted to adopt you and your brother? What is the best bit about being adopted?

Oh yes they receive their sainthood next week! God you are patronising! Mum and dad hate when people say that to them. What the hell do you mean ‘what is the best bit’? None of it is that great, but I suppose it gives you a proper chance at life.

What do you call your real mum?

Well that does depend I have two REAL mums obviously so which one do you mean? If you mean biological. Well that would be every possible nasty spiteful word under the sun but my adoptive mum on the other hand, she is known as mum of course.

Why do you look like your adoptive parents, isn’t that weird?

To be honest I am not really sure I know. it’s a bit weird isn’t it but then my dad looks like my grandad and he is his son-in-law. Go figure!

Surely you don’t like your parents. They must really annoy you?

Now again it depends which set you are on about. If it is biological, I would really enjoy to see them pushed off of a cliff, but if it is adoptive. DO YOU WANT A PUNCH? Overall you seem to be missing the fact that I am a teenager. I am meant to not like my parents.

Is your brother related to you or is he one that was already there?

He is blood and all very much my bro. Parcel Force delivered us to the designated address in one neat package on the agreed delivery day.

choice for life

That’s it.  I will probably never do this again but if I can’t do it in ‘National Adoption week 2015’, when can I?

“How to train your dragon”

I have a feeling the universe is angry with me this week.

Another hand grenade has been thrown into ‘the hive’ but this time it has been directed straight at me and has knocked me clean off my feet.

kaboom

Can I get back up? I am not sure but that won’t stop me trying.

I don’t want to go into details at the moment. I honestly don’t think I have the strength. Maybe a little while down the line I will be able to do it but not until I can make sense of it myself.

And then add to an already stressful and distressing time, my blasted car breaking down on the afternoon that Buzzbee and I were planning to leave to go down to my parents’ caravan for a couple of days and prepare it for the people who would be renting it this weekend.

car

What do you get? A mummy who is not firing on all cylinders but still needs to therapeutically parent her youngest son.

In an attempt to put some distance between the mess and the chaos which has been caused by individuals who should by now know better but are STILL failing to ‘GET IT’, Buzzbee and I continued with our plan to go down to the caravan but for one night instead of two.

We were determined to continue with our plan to have some fun and chill out, and Buzzbee made sure we made the most of it and filled every micro moment with activities and chatter – I just followed his lead to the point of exhaustion (mine not his).

In an attempt to slow Buzz down in the evening, he suggested ‘camping out’ in the living area of the caravan (a choice of 3 bedrooms not good enough for him), and watch a movie together. Buzzbee chose ‘How to train your dragon’ but 30 minutes in crashed completely while still snuggled into my side *warm, fuzzy mummy gushing feelings*. I continued to watch the film (nothing better on the T.V and I certainly didn’t want to wake Buzz by moving him before he was completely asleep).

dragon training

Maybe it was the lack of sleep over the past few nights or simply because I had been so busy all day, I had not had time to worry about the hand grenade, but I began thinking about all the goings on at home and yes the tears began to flow but only for a short while. Something in the film caught my attention and tickled my funny bone without even knowing it.

I began thinking. Maybe I could make a ‘How to train an adoptive mummy dragon’ instruction manual for Beeswax’s school and all the so called professionals who don’t ‘get it’ and would rather blame the parents instead of looking at the impact of the trauma that their child has experienced.

It is a common joke in our home that Bumble married a dragon (my Chinese zodiac sign) and this is probably what had sparked my amusement. But – I wonder, what if someone was to write a manual?

Would it highlight some key pieces of advice to help the reader have a better understanding of how to get the best out of the ‘dragon’ they need to work with?

Maybe, it would look a little like this! *tongue in cheek*

“How to train your adoptive mummy dragon”

  1. If through lack of understanding, you greet a dragon with anger and spears, you should expect a frosty reception – or is that a fiery reception?
  2. Dragons often feel misjudged and condemned and respond out of fear – they find it hard to show you their true personalities and strengths
  3. You should follow a dragon rider’s example and greet her with kindness, understanding and dead fish (okay maybe chocolate would work better).
  4. You have to earn a dragon’s trust. They do not take kindly to Berk Vikings bad mouthing them to other Berks.
  5. Every dragon has a soft spot – her children. Have faith in her detailed understanding of her children.
  6. All dragons are different – treat them as individuals. If you work with you dragon closely you will soon learn how to get the best out of her.

Okay back in the real world again.  By now you will probably have guessed that Waxy’s school are again at the centre of my distress. At the moment I have 2 choices – continue to let them drag me down and push me over the edge. Or, find a glimmer of hope and amusement, and cling onto it for as long as it takes for me to regain my strength and resilience (or at least write this #WASO post).

Blame it on the Boggarts

Oh dear it appears the Hive has a serious infestation of ‘mischievous/naughty Boggarts’. Or at least they appear to be getting the blame for several misdemeanours lately.

Have you seen this guy?

Have you seen this guy?

Buzzbee: “I didn’t cut holes in the drapes on your bed or try to fix it by cutting a patches the same size out of daddy’s Pyjamas” “I think the Boggart was experimenting with the scissors he found in daddy’s drawers and then realised he had made a mistake and tried to fix it before you found out”

Boys: “We did as you asked; we put all my dirty washing in the washing basket. But, the Boggarts are trying to cause trouble. They must be taking all of it back out of the basket and shoving it under our beds and in the corners of our rooms”

Beeswax: “The last time I looked all my clothes were put away neatly in the wardrobe and drawers!” “Maybe the Boggarts took them all back out, screwed them up and then shoved them back in just to make you cross because they were mad at you for not letting them have fun”

Beeswax: “I did not wee on the landing carpet! And it wasn’t the Boggarts either!” “The cats were angry with you after our argument about homework and did it”

Beeswax: “I did not break Buzzbee’s toys” “Buzzbee was annoying me and the Boggarts probably decided it would teach him a lesson”

Buzzbee: “I don’t know how Bee-dog got past the stairgate and got upstairs to chase the cats!” “Maybe the Boggarts forgot and ‘accidently’ left the stairgate open. They have a lot on their mind at the moment and keep forgetting to do things”

Beeswax: “I didn’t mean to kick holes in the doors or walls! I was trying to kick the Boggarts. I am fed up with them always trying to get us in trouble”

Ok, so just with these few statements it is obvious that what I am really talking about, is my boys ‘crazy lying’ and their inability to take responsibility for their actions/mistakes.
I would be lying if I said that their ‘crazy lying’ doesn’t drive me around the bend and there are days when I simply cannot tolerate it or have no idea how to deal with it and I am pretty sure I am not alone in feeling like this. Then there are those days where I truly amaze myself and manage to turn it back onto those naughty little imps (the Boggarts not my boys) and use it as an opportunity to reflect about what might really be going on.

Boys: “We didn’t make all this mess! We put all the DVDs and computer games back in their boxes and put them away like you told us too.”
Honey: “I guess the Boggarts have been up to their mischief again, maybe they thought I would believe that you didn’t really do what I had asked first time and so could get away with taking them all back out. Oh well, if you work together you can get it all put away again properly”

Boys: “We did make our beds and tidy our bedrooms today! It was tidy when we left them”
Honey: “Oh I get it. Those naughty Boggarts have come in your rooms when you were not looking and undid all your hard work. I am really sorry they did that but I now need you to re-make your beds and re-tidy your rooms”

Buzzbee: “I don’t know how the toilet roll got so wet; I didn’t drop it in the toilet”
Honey: “I guess it was an accident. If it wasn’t you maybe one of the boggarts dropped it after using the toilet and left it because he thought he might get in trouble if he was found out”

Buzzbee: “Yes I did go to the toilet but I never smeared anything on the walls and mirror”
Honey: “Oh dear that poor Boggart is having a really tough time in the bathroom lately. I guess when he tried to wipe his bottom he didn’t quite get it right and managed to get poop on his fingers and then didn’t know what to do so wiped it on the wall. Do you know what? I think it would be really nice if you helped him out by getting a cloth and giving the walls a clean for him”

Boys: “We didn’t leave all our toys all over the place! We picked them all up off the floor, like you told us too”
Honey: “Are you telling me that the Boggarts made this mess? Oh well can you both please pick them all up and put them away again before Bee-dog chews them up or worse still chokes on one of them. If you see the Boggarts before I do can you remind them how important it is to keep toys out of the reach of the puppy. I know how upset you get when she does damage your toys.”

Beeswax: “I didn’t steal sweets from the larder and then hide the empty wrappers inside my curtain pole, why would I do that?”
Honey: “Wow, those Boggarts are getting sneakier and how clever of them to think of hiding the evidence in your curtain pole. I wonder why they felt the need to take the sweets without asking first and then leave you to take the blame for it. I guess they were afraid if they asked for them I would say ‘no’”

Buzzbee: “I didn’t throw water all over bathroom floor when I had my bath”
Honey: “Well if it wasn’t you I will have to remind the Boggarts that while it is ok to have fun in the bath and splash around. They need to be careful not to let the water get on the floor as it will make the floor slippery and you could hurt yourself when you get out of the bath”

Boys: “We don’t know who keeps using mummy’s toiletries or make-up or who keeps emptying all the shampoo bottles in the bathroom”
Honey: “Do you think maybe the Boggarts were trying to make weird science experiments. I wonder if they realise how sad this makes mummy sometimes when her personal items are used without asking first. Maybe we can find some samples that they can use instead”

Beeswax: “I do not start making humming, tapping or bumping noises in the night just after you both go to bed!”
Honey: “Ok well if that is the case maybe it is the Boggarts and if so I need to have a chat with them and reassure them that they do not need to make so much noise just to get my attention. I know they are there and I will never forget them”

Beeswax: “I don’t keep making noises outside Buzzbee’s bedroom at night, trying convincing him that ‘bad guys’ are trying to get in his room and hurt him”
Honey: “I think I need to sit down with the Boggarts because it is not Ok to do this to Buzz. I need to try and understand why they want Buzzbee to feel so frightened. Maybe they are feeling pretty scared themselves but don’t know how to talk about it and in an odd way, making Buzz feel bad helps the Boggarts feel a little better. “

Buzzbee: “I don’t know how the Wii nunchuck cable got chewed while I was playing a game?”
Honey: “Maybe while you were playing, the Boggarts was concentrating hard or getting a little anxious and started sucking or chewing it without noticing he was doing it. Remind me next time you are playing to make sure I let you take a lollypop or something with you and then maybe if the Boggart feels the need to chew something he will enjoy that more”

Now, some of you may say that I am enabling them to continue with this level of dissociation from their actions and, I will admit there have definitely been days where I have wished that I had been more direct with them both but if I have learnt one thing about my boys – it is confrontation will inevitably result in a complete meltdown and the opportunity to explore what the behaviour was about will have been lost completely.
I guess you could say that during some of their more ludicrous ‘crazy lying’ sessions I adjust my affect to them and join them in their fantasy as a tool to help them make sense of what is happening without sending them to ‘planet shame’ Although sometimes I do need to watch my sarcasm (that is what I get living with a pre-teen), the tone of the dialogue, always remains open and is usually playful.

Watch out. There are Boggarts about.

Watch out. There are Boggarts about.