Life in the hive at the moment is less than rosy and while it has not been for the want of trying. I haven’t managed to write a coherent post for 3beesandahoney for a few weeks now. I could have probably written half a dozen, bitter or self-pitying #WASO posts, and I could have definitely written several ranting posts about schools and professionals and their repeated determination to treat me as the enemy but honestly I am depressed enough by it all as it is without winding myself even more by putting it down in black and white for all to see.
Maybe when I have regained my emotional resilience, I will feel ready to share the whole sorry and sordid tale but the time is not right and I would only depress everyone else instead.
Over the past few weeks I have cried enough tears to fill Lake Windermere twice over and by the end of this weekend I found myself once again crying.
But, this time they were tears of joy and pride!
Recently Buzzbee joined and youth musical theatre group and he has been attending on a weekly basis and Bumble and I (along with Bumble’s friends who run the group) have been watching Buzz’s confidence and self-esteem grow and grow. At first he was extremely nervous and shy (okay his is still shy at break times) but came alive as soon as the group started practising songs.
Over the weeks Buzz has become more and more animated and while it has made bedtimes interesting to say the least as he is taking almost 2 hours to come down of the ceiling and stop singing whatever song he has just learnt. He is coming home filled with joy and pride in himself and it is wonderful to see him able to acknowledge his achievement and accept the praise for a short period of time.
All the weekly rehearsals have been building up to the junior group joining the adult group for 3 concerts in aid of a local charity – a couple of weeks ago we had Buzzbee’s first ever concert. In fact it was the first time in at least 2 years that he has had the courage to stand up in front of a room full of people. That was until the first night.
While it will come as no surprise to most people that Bumble and I were bubbling with pride, as was Waxy (not that he would openly admit that). No-one would question either the reasons behind the excessive amount of sheets of Kleenex used by my mum on the night she went to watch him in the concert. However, to our surprise, the enormity of Buzzbee’s bravery had moved a handful of past members of the theatre group who have known both boys since they were placed – I should add that 2 of these members are actually adoptive grandparents themselves and so really understand what this meant for him.
To anyone else attending the concerts we were like many of the other parents who had children in the show – but definitely not one of the ‘stage parent’ types. They will never know that journey Buzz has been on to get to this point.
Oh how I wish I could share the photos and video of our pint-sized son standing at the front of the hall, beaming, singing, and interacting with his peers. It is a sight I began to fear we may never see. I will be honest, as time has gone by home educating Buzzbee, we have witnessed a dramatic progress in his ability to absorb facts and verbal communicate his understanding of topics to Bumble and I, his ability to read and write independently has failed to progress and rather than my hope of closing the gap between his ability when we removed him from school and getting his basic literacy skills back in line with peers of his age. Instead as the years are going on we are witnessing the gap growing bigger and bigger despite the hard work and desire to learn that Buzzbee is constantly showing – thankfully this week after a meeting with his community paediatrician, we may finally have someone who wants to help and not label Buzz as just stubborn or try and write him off as unable to learn.
Going slightly off course but what I think I am trying to say is….. At a time when everything has felt like an uphill struggle and a fight, and every bump in the road has begun to feel like climbing a mountain. Witnessing Buzzbee step outside his comfort zone, succeed and then allowing himself to accept the praise and gushing without feel the need to sabotage, makes all the heartache worthwhile.