Let them eat cake

For this weeks’ #WASO, I will be guest posting for Honey because she is …… Well, maybe once you have read my post you will have an idea why I am writing a post instead of her this week.

Oh, where are my manners? I should introduce myself. I am the infamous and extremely geeky Bumble.

Honey has just celebrated her XXth birthday – it would be more than my life is worth to reveal her age and anyway she may take away my privileges (I know she has told you I love online role-play gaming).

Honey’s Birthday is a tricky event in our household. As is Mother’s Day. Unfairly, our boys are only too happy to celebrate my Birthday and Father’s Day, but the idea of a day dedicated to their mum seems to fill Beeswax in particular with pre-verbal memories of children’s needs being sacrificed for their mother’s desires.

As a result we try not to make too much of a fuss over what should be an opportunity to thank a very special woman for all she does for the three of us. This and having her birthday on the transition from Summer Holidays, which have been tricky for the last three or so years, to the new school year has meant that she can’t really celebrate her birthday the way our family and friends do, and it has been a while since I have got Honey a Birthday Cake – bad Bumble! If I manage to remember to wrap her birthday present and have the boys sign her card in time, then I am onto a winner.

So this year I volunteered to make a Birthday Cake for Honey. Somehow I managed to convince her that it would be healthier for all if she baked the cake, and I then iced it. Buzzbee helped me choose the design and insisted it had to be a chocolate cake with pink icing. I even did a practice run a couple of days before.

The final result didn’t quite look like the picture I was working from but nevertheless it brought a much needed smile to Honey’s face. I’d like to think it was a smile of happiness and not an attempt to stifle hysterical laughter at the pink iced mountain placed in front of her.

Every year, I watch Honey go about the day on her birthday, doing what she does and trying her hardest to avoid drawing attention to the day and making the boys’ comfort and happiness, her priority, but it is all for show and self-preservation. Honey grew up in a family that celebrate special occasions with a big fuss and I know it kills her every year to know she can’t have that anymore – we have tried so many times and it is just to distressing for all, even when we have planned an activity which is centred around the boys’ interests.   I live in hope that there will come a time in the years ahead of us that the boys can finally learn to be comfortable with celebrating their mum’s birthday and not be afraid that she will forget about their needs.

But for now, Honey will just have to seek comfort in my culinary masterpiece.   Eat our heart out, Great British Bake Off!

Waiting for our Fairy Godmother

For weeks now I have been writing posts and dancing around topics, saying plenty but never really saying anything at all. Well, not what I really want to say anyway!

Why? Pride! Fear! Sheer cowardice! Or, as someone pointed out to me this week, have I skirted around the topic, because I am so hard on myself that I am expecting the same from others?

Just under 2 weeks ago I was fortunate enough to be able to attend a 2 day DDP network conference and had the pleasure to hear many amazing speakers including Dan Hughes and Jon Baylin.

It was a wonderful opportunity to gain further insight into the practical side of DDP practise and remind myself of elements that were covered in the Level 1 course that I did earlier on in the year. Although at the time of booking it was not high on my list of importance, possibly more importantly, for the first time in a while, I had the opportunity to sit down and chat with some lovely ladies that I have not seen for quite some time and in all honesty (gosh, I have just realised how often I actually use that word), I underestimated how much I have missed chatting with them about the boys, without having to explain anything about all their idiosyncrasies or feeling defensive about admitting how it is taking its toll on Bumble and I (there is very little they don’t already know about the boys, both good and bad). I can’t describe how refreshing that was at the moment, at a time when I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed by the boys’ needs and the chaos their ‘trauma bond’ is causing in the household, but at the same time there is a pang of sadness and grief for what we have lost (as in their wonderful support) and may never get back.

Maybe I am being selfish? Or maybe I am being realistic, but in the past couple of months two wonderfully different conferences have had me leaving with a very similar message – I need to start taking better care of myself, and that needs to start with asking for the support my family needs at the moment.

This has started me thinking about what would my ideal ‘post adoption support package’ look like, if money wasn’t an issue (LA or self-funding) or we had a fairy godmother who with a ‘Bibbidi–Bobbidi–Boo’ she could wave her wand and magic up everything we need.

Here goes with my wish list.

• Relocation to a property with an attached beach, in a secluded area, with plenty of space around us for the boys to play and let off steam, and we can be a family without people scrutinising our parenting, making constant allegations, or making us feel like criminals in our own home.
• Therapeutic/psychological support for Bumble and I from a qualified DDP therapist / psychologist.
• Subsidised ad hoc childcare service, so that Bumble doesn’t need to keep using his leave to cover child care when I have to attend meetings (Must be CRB checked babysitters who have the hide of a rhinoceros, but experienced, caring and unflappable by the challenges they may face).
• Complete Ed Psych, Occupational Therapy, and Therapeutic assessment for Buzzbee to finally assess his complete needs in order to return to school in the future if he should wish to.
• 1:1 home tutor for Buzzbee to help him begin learning that mummy is not the only person who he can trust to show how ‘clever’ he is and not be fearful of showing the areas he struggles with.
• Commitment to fund Specialist post adoption therapy, i.e. DDP qualified therapist (private as no longer available on NHS/CAMHS in our area) or other appropriate services until 18 and transitioned to any relevant/suitable adult provision.
• Guaranteed specialist education placements/provision until 18
• Ok I actually already receive some adoption allowance for Buzz but I would like to see adoption allowance payments which are in line with our LA’s foster care rates until children complete full time education.
• ‘No questions asked’, Non-judgemental Post adoption handyman service that we could ring up after a violent outburst and arrange for them to come and repair damaged doors, walls, etc.
• Access to holiday camps/activities with additional support funded (thinking of Buzzbee mainly on this one).
• Proper and effective developmental trauma and attachment training for Waxy’s school.
• Parent/school advocacy service to mediate disputes/misunderstandings – parent partnerships in our area not up to the job.
• On-going opportunities for training (new skills, etc.), access to out of hours/in hours non-judgemental support/advice when needed (in person/email/phone)
• Pupil premium for every child whether they are in full-time education or have been forced into home education because of the huge deficit in the way the national curriculum and ‘school rules’ are so rigid and unsustainable for some of our children.
• On the ball Letterbox service – Oh hang on we actually have this already.
• Access to a database signposting adopters to ALL support services and training available etc.
• On-going support for us and NOT JUST when difficulties develop / Crises occur.
• Crisis intervention support plan – violence, bereavement, allegations, sibling trauma bonds, and so much more…

Maybe I should also ask for:

• The entire staff of Downton Abbey minus the backstabbing (I get enough of that already) to run my house for me.
• Spa sessions at Center Parcs’ Aqua Sana at least 3 times a year.
• Endless supply of chocolate and diet Pepsi for evenings and weekends when the boys are together (trauma bond survival kit), served by ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ male pros, bronzed Adonises, the ghost of Patrick Swayze, really any nice male eye candy, as and when needed.
• Mummy rescue package provided by local Firemen.
• Automatic hotline to Il Divo or Michael Buble to personally serenade me when I need an extra big slice of self-regulating/self-care mummy time.
• Pocket sized Andre Rieu and orchestra, so he can come everywhere with me to keep me regulated all day long.
• Pocket sized Dan Hughes, Bruce Perry, Jon Baylin, etc. who can be taken out as and when advice is needed.
• Uninhabited deserted island with mute blonde Adonises waiting on my every need.
• Soundproof, purpose built study for Bumble to play his online roleplaying games.

In the spirit of fairness, I have also asked the boys what their dream support plan would include.

Here it is:

•  Weekly private training with a premier league football player for both boys.
• Private street dance lessons with Ashley Banjo for Buzzbee.
• Kate Upton as Beeswax’s 1:1 teaching assistant (lock up your daughters!)
• ‘No Social Workers’ trapdoor/hidden ejector launchpad under front door mat.
• Purpose built adventure playground and climbing wall for the garden.
• Hypnotist to brainwash mum and dad into letting us play Xbox all day and night.
• Girlfriend for Buzzbee (Waxy wrote “not that he has had trouble getting them in the past, LOL”) .

So that is our list! I am sure there are things I have forgotten but if you could do the same what you put on yours?

This post has been linked to The Adoption Socials’ Weekly Adoption Shout Out #WASO 

Yum Yum!!

After a very difficult and painful couple of weeks, I thought I would pull myself out of the doldrums by sharing a yummy ‘memory box’ moment.

I have just spent a wonderful 2 days home baking with Buzzbee and I think he has been bitten by the Christmas baking bug or should I say the Christmas gift goodies bug. His creativity juices has been in full swing.

Every year I make homemade rum/brandy truffles for friends and family as well as our traditional shortbread cookies, but this year Buzz wanted to do something special for his babysitter and a friend of ours by making one of them a gingerbread house and the other a chocolate house.

I have no idea how much chocolate we have actually used or how many different kind of sweets we have used, but it is fair to say that the Tooth Fairy will be in business for a very long time.

How? What? When? Why?

I think I am going to give ‘Half-term’ a new name in the Hive. I am going to call it “How? When? What? Why? Week”! Ok I know it is the Easter Holidays but these 4 little words are overtaking my days at the moment and I am as guilty as both boys for using it.

• “How many times do I need to repeat myself before you do as I ask”?
• “When will you two stop fighting and just get along”?
• “What have I told you about teasing the dog”?
• “Why did you tell your brother, you hate him and don’t want him around anymore? When we both know he is the most important person to you”!
• “How come he can say ‘sorry’ to you and you accept it but I simply say ‘sorry, NOW CAN I GO BACK ON THE COMPUTER?’ and you are still cross with me”?
• “When are you going to get us our snack”?
• “What is in it for me if I tidy my bedroom and put my clothes away”?
• “Why can’t we play on the computer at 8am in the morning”?

Ok these are some of the more tense comments (there are lots of lovely therapeutic ones too) but you can get a picture of my days at the moment.
I am always being told off by Bumble or Buzzbee’s previous therapist, Jemima for being too hard on myself and using ‘I should have been able to…’ to further beat myself up. However last night I got myself into an emotional pickle and couldn’t get “How? What? When? Why?” out of my head. So, I found myself writing the following at 2am in the morning simply so I could settle down for the night!

• How can you anyone be expected to heal from scars you cannot see if they still feel they are being blamed for it happening? When will they understand there is no magic wand to fix what happened? Why won’t they accept that you are doing the best you can and slowly you are getting there?
• How can you begin to learn to trust again when so much damage has been caused and you are afraid of what would happen if any more pebbles were thrown into the pond? Why is this so difficult for you to understand?
• Why does everyone feel the need to jump to conclusions about someone’s abilities as a mum anytime they have a ‘wobbly’ day? When will they stop blaming your past history of depression for the reason that you are feeling teary today? (It has been a stressful, emotional filled day THAT IS ALL!) How can we help them accept that some days we have the right to feel upset? It doesn’t mean we are about to fall apart again! What would you do in our shoes?
• What makes people think that because your child did not come from your womb, they have the right to criticise or interfere with your parenting? How dare they? Why do I let other people’s opinions get to me? When they have walked a month in my shoes, then they can come to me and say they have the right to judge!
• When will I stop trying to be Supermum and let people support me? How can I expect people to understand where I am coming from, when I still don’t feel safe enough to be open with them?
• Why do people refuse to look beyond my boy’s behaviour? When will they start seeing the amazing boys I see? How can I help this happen? What will it take?
• When will school understand, I am not the enemy? How can I make them see all we want is to work as a team? Why do they refuse to take on board our advice but then accept wholeheartedly EXACTLY the same advice from professionals?
• When will I stop feeling that I have to justify my every decision to people?
• Why do I keep smiling while my heart is breaking?
• What can I do to make people understand? I am the boys’s mother and no matter what they throw at me, I will never give up on them. I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY!
• How do I keep going?

This list I think would have gone on forever if I hadn’t finally fallen back to sleep. Sometimes I really do wind myself up by worrying about things I have absolute no control over?

Time to treat myself kindly and eat mountains of chocolate Easter Eggs, I think!

(Sshhh! Don’t tell the boys!)